Kadiera's Playground Cute but Evil - it averages out

Go read this. Seriously. Because it totally covers a lot of things that have gone on with me in the last year or so

Alex is doing fabulously on the vent, and they're working on getting him down to the point where the vent doesn't breathe at all unless he breathes deeply enough to trigger it. He's so much happier it's hard to explain.

My mom has been in the hospital twice in the last month with heart issues. First her heart beat was too fast, then apparently the meds for that worked too well, and her heart rate dropped way too low. She's supposed to have a catheterization next week, along with wearing a monitor to check the electrical action.

Lexapro helps. It's not perfect, but it's manageable this way, and I'm not a zombie.

There's lots in my head right now that I'm not ready to share.

So instead, you're getting random observations.

*****

Insurance companies try to save money by suggesting that you try cheaper drugs first. When you know that a more expensive drug *works* and you're in a rather precarious position anyway, making someone try several other drugs first is money wasted.

When it's all said and done though, I will find a way to make them give me the drug that I know works for me and won't hurt Alex or make me have to give up breastfeeding.

Fuck them.

*****

Some people I know believe that the election results are the end of the world. Others believe that we have been given a messiah.

I really don't understand what it is you're trying to prove this year.

So, quit sitting on your hands and do what you should have been doing all along, or quit putting your nose in where it shouldn't be and leave us alone, and give me back my family.

All of them.

Whole, healthy, and happy.

No exceptions.

Because seriously, you're really getting on my nerves here, and we all know that making me really pissed off is a bad idea.

kthanxbye!

no love,

me

You know what?

It's been a stressful year.

There are some things in life that are not worth stressing over. The dishes come to mind immediately - I'm pretty good about not stressing about getting the dishes done.

There are other things that I'm not so good about not stressing about, and I'm going to need to work on that.

This week's thing to not stress about: breastmilk.

Alex is not going to starve - there's formula when there's not enough milk. It is not the end of the world if him getting more formula means I get more sleep and am less preoccupied with trying to fit in more and more pumping to try to keep up.

I'm having a rough week. I'm sure some portion of the rest of this post can be attributed to stress, depression, and the like. But it is what's in my head, spilled out here in an attempt to stop obsessing over some of this. So y'all can just cope.

*****

In case I haven't mentioned it, the NICU is damn depressing. And I'm pretty well tied to it and the breast pump - have been for three months now, and will continue to be for the foreseeable future.

Most of our friends and family avoid going to visit Alexander with us - and I can only assume it's so they don't have to face the NICU, because it's not like Alex is all that scary. And to some extent that's really hard for me. I'd rather have the company when we're there to take my mind off things.

I know I'm behind on this sort of thing. I really need to get with the program now that I'm actually capable of writing again. Writing is theraputic, and I need that.

*****

It's been a rough week. Things are better without zoloft, other than the depression. It's not like I felt *good* on zoloft, emotionally speaking, so it's not a huge loss to get rid of it, but it does mean I'm more likely to be sniffly, particularly when I'm tired, which is pretty much all the time.

I went back to work this week - it's good in a lot of respects. Helps motivate me to get things accomplished. And it's rather oddly helpful to hear everyone genuinely happy to see me back and genuinely concerned about my health and wellbeing, and about Alexander too. There are lots of questions, of course, but explaining makes me feel better - makes being away from Alexander feel less distant.

I need more sleep; my normal sleep schedule and my work schedule interfere, and working in the time to spend with Alex and still get things at home managed is a challenge.

*****

Well, I know for sure now why I've been extra moody and sniffly this week - my period started this morning.

and all I can say is, WTF?

This may be the first time in 20 years that this has worked as scheduled without drugs. They told me on discharge to expect a period in 4-10 weeks, that breastfeeding (or pumping) can make it more towards the later end of that, and if I didn't have a period by then to talk to my OB. Yesterday was 4 weeks since Alexander's birth.

I dunno. There are other things that seem to have been reset by this experience, like my blood sugar. So I guess we'll see how many of them stick.

It's becoming obvious that the Zoloft is finally kicking in. I have a hard time sitting still if I'm not actively doing something (typing, knitting, etc). Zoloft seems to be a bit more subtle, mentally speaking, than Lexapro was - it sneaks up on you, like sunrise, rather than being like turning on a flood light in your brain.

One of the benefits of it finally kicking in is that there's room in my head to sort out what's actually going on in there these days. A couple weeks ago, it was hormones and stress and just plain not knowing what was happening, with me and with Alex. Now though...it's mostly grief for the things that didn't go the way I had hoped and planned.