Kadiera's Playground Cute but Evil - it averages out

Yeah, yeah. I said I was going to keep the baby stuff to a minimum here. But seriously, this doesn't belong over at the baby's blog, because it's really all about me.

Have I mentioned how much I'm enjoying pregnancy? Even with the morning sickness from hell still fresh in my mind...in between rounds of being sick, I was still enjoying it. The shear joy and wonder and awe of it takes my breath away sometimes. As one of the t-shirts I've seen recently says, "I can make a human, what's your super power?"

I'm enjoying it enough that I've already said out loud to several people, "I think when this is all done, and we've had a bit of time to settle in, I want to do it again."

Pregnancy is a roller coaster, physically, mentally, and emotionally - too many changes in too short a time for the body to fully accomodate. But...the rush is worth more than I can ever explain. And for all that it's rather meta-stable, I find there's a profound peace in the midst of it all; a center with a nearly infinite source of warmth to draw on, that makes the good bits so very very good, and the bad bits tolerable, because I'm still basking in the glow of the good bits.

*****

If I was thin, in the right outfit, you'd be able to tell *something* (either that I was gaining weight, or maybe that I was pregnant if you knew what to look for) - but instead, I'm really the only one who can tell my belly is chaning shape - the fat is flattening out underneath my normal clothes, and I can feel the round lump of baby underneath.

My weight has mostly stabilized (it's amazing how much it helps on that front to not be puking on a daily basis) - though really, the baby is getting bigger, and I'm staying the same overall weight, so I supposed I'm losing weight in the process, it's just masked by the baby.

I haven't had much of an appetite lately, though the last couple of days as my blood sugar has stabilized after stopping the last of the metformin, it's starting to pick up. I suppose it goes without saying that it's hard to have an appetite when you can't keep food down, and after nearly 2 months of that, the whole concept of eating really becomes rather surreal.

Having an appetite is good, though, because I'm looking at the "typical" pregnancy diet, and the info from the dietician, and it's considerably more food than I usually eat, so I don't really know how that will work out. But I trust that as long as I eat a reasonably healthy, reasonably balanced diet, my body will tell me when I need more food. If I've learned anything the last year or two in really getting a handle on the weight loss thing, it's that if I listen closely, my body knows what it needs; I just have to be smart enough to listen and follow through.

Nothing I own fits anymore. The few maternity clothes I picked up this weekend on an initial shopping attempt are mostly too big, though a few of the blouses could be worn without any suspicion that they're maternity clothes. The new khakis I bought in December (size 18, which I haven't worn in close to a decade) are mostly looser at the hips than when I bought them - and depending on the pants, some are really almost too big to wear. A belt is necessary for work, but it puts more pressure on my belly than I'm comfortable with for long - that's usually the first thing to go after my shoes when I get home from work. Weekends, I've been sticking mostly with jeans that are a size or two too big, and loose t-shirts - the combination is comfortable, and that's really all that matters.

*****

Really, though, the thing I realized this week is that although I struggle at least a little most days with the issues that led up to this, though I still feel broken from time to time, and angry that so many other things could have happened differently to get us here sooner...it is what it is, and we're here now. And that's what matters.

This was meant to be - this is what women's bodies were designed to do - this is what I've always wanted, and having something that I've wanted this much is satisfying and makes things complete in ways that are difficult to describe.

I am more sure of who I am and what I want than before, because life isn't on hold waiting for this. I tried to not let that happen, but it did anyway, because this was so important to my vision of who I wanted to be. I still grieve the time that's been lost, but I'm now free to move forward.

Is it bad that I really really want to have that classic pregnant belly, the swallowed-a-basketball look? I see women when we're out places, and on the yoga video I bought, and I'm envious of that. It's a symbol of this whole process for me - it's what people envision when you hear that someone is pregnant. In some respects, even the morning sickness was good, because it reminded me every day that yes, I was pregnant - and in those first few weeks, it was so hard to believe after all that it took to get here, that a daily reminder was good while I waited for it to sink in through my thick skull that yes, this is real.

Mostly though, as I said to a friend last night, I feel more comfortable in my own skin these last couple of months than I have in a long long while - maybe more than I have ever been as an adult.